Hey, Late Bloomer! You're Alright!
Melody Nicolette
This piece was a special request from several people. I am honoured to write this one. I hope to accomplish what I was asked to do. I thought about this one for a long time, how I would write it, and what I would write.
I am not here to inspire you, or be your disabled/ hardship/ disenfranchised success story inspiration p*rn. I never want my success to be used as an example to shame other people who haven’t “made it” as far yet--because there’s still time for them to do that, and I had a lot of help.
Many of you who know me from my work for OnStage know me as That Girls Who Ruins Your Ability to Enjoy Your Fave Media, the Internet Yeller that thinks people should be held accountable for their bad, atrocious and abusive behaviour. That Girl Who Researches the Shit Out of Everything. “Oh, God, what is she messing with NOW?” Yeah, I’m her, that’s me! Sorry, not sorry!
Being a freelance writer is only a fraction of what I do. I am a lot of stuff and I do a lot of stuff. I make a lot of stuff. I am first and foremost a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, godmother, auntie and friend, but I’m also a recording artist, composer, record producer, mixer, and noisemaker.
Above all, I am a proud late bloomer.
The throwaway phrase “we live in an instant gratification world!!!” has been so beaten to death, but there is something to that. We want [whatever it is], and we’ve got to have [it] now. Sometimes immediacy isn’t a bad thing, and wanting things to be a certain way with a degree of efficiency doesn’t necessarily mean you sound like Veruca Salt for asking for it. We are constantly bombarded with messages, from others, and our own minds, that we HAVE TO MAKE IT, and we HAVE TO MAKE IT NOW. IT’S NOW OR NEVERRRRRRRR!!!--but that’s just not true. It takes time to do good work, and I think artists who spent the time cultivating their craft are better artists for it.
It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do, and there are a lot of reasons why. I am a better artist for taking my time to get there.
Conversely, someone like my sister Kayla always knew what she wanted to do: she’s always wanted to be a nurse, and now she is (and she is one of the best nurses ever ---I am biased, but still).
People always ask me why I waited to pursue music, and I tell them that it absolutely wasn’t an option growing up. Many people who know me or read any of my work know I am incredibly critical of Broadway, its elitism, and how we’re not getting the most talented people out there, we’re getting the ones who paid to go to the fanciest schools with the best alumni associations. Pursuing a career in the arts is unthinkable for so many of us. Pero Like’s Curly brilliantly nailed this in a recent video essay, about our families (poor, immigrant, POC) struggle supporting their children with artistic endeavours. Aside from the lack of security, and the lack of financial support they can give us, many of us financially support our families. We just can’t do that to them. So often, women and girls in our families are held back, because we are often saddled with being caregivers.
I’ve previously mentioned the childhood that ‘predestined’ me for drug addiction and failure in other pieces, that anything short of living past 25 was miraculous. You don’t get the chance to “bloom,” and you lose many “blooming” years, when your primary focus is survival.
A lot of the trauma I suffered as a child and into young adulthood has “held me back;” my C-PTSD has left me disabled. My timeline has been slower and longer than others because I have spent so much time making sure that I am meeting emotional road markers where I can take on projects in a healthy way. This is actually a shock to many, because I am incredibly high-functioning, and live a full and complete life. I can do many, many things, there are a lot of things, like driving a car, I’ll never be able to do. Accepting limitations isn’t being defeatist, you just learn to navigate around them.
(Cue now, of course, someone in the comment section going on about respectability politics, “pulling up by your bootstraps,” “you’re ‘letting’ things hold you back,”--- blah blah blah blah blah. If you refuse to recognize that this is a systemic problem and you prosper off of the disparities of others, IDK WTF to tell you. Stop being an ableist piece of shit, for starters.)
I share this because I think it’s important to understand the “why’s” of, well, why some people make it farther than others or why careers happen the way that they do. A lot of it is hard work, but it’s more like, “hard work meets opportunity,” and more-more like, “hard work meets opportunity and familial, inherited wealth. No responsibilities. No elders to take care of. A rich father to buy shares in your music,” etc. It’s so much more complicated that “You can’t let that stuff hold you back!!!” (Like we ‘let’ trauma do anything?)
So what happens when you don’t succumb to stereotypes, and the skin of your teeth have a tear from narrowly missing the ruination of your entire life (despite their best efforts)? I took my time to find myself.
My original career choices were going to be either a marine biologist, or a NAGPRA lawyer. Both of which made me realize my own limitations. The former was thwarted by dastardly math--I was great at dissections, terrible at oceanography. The latter of which I took very seriously, and went so far as to take (and pass) the necessary tests, but decided to go into the Real Life Workforce instead; I couldn’t afford to stay in school or go into a graduate programme. It was a financial burden I couldn’t shoulder. I knew, ultimately, that as much as I cared about NAGPRA compliance, and how deeply necessary it is, that I would face hurdles as a non-federally recognized Native person, and that I just was too emotional of a person to handle it. When you lose, it’s not just losing a case, you lose someone’s loved one.. I know this about myself, that I could not handle this emotionally--and that I could not control my temper (I’d spend more time in jail on the other end than in the courtroom).
It’s hard to admit that something you care deeply about and show aptitude in isn’t suited for you.
For almost a decade I worked as a professional illustrator and painter, before Tumblr art theft and online bullying (you have been seen, sadfrenchpeople) made me reevaluate my choice to refocus on music instead. There were other little things, too, like people I cared about treating my art, and me, as though it had no value. I know these things “shouldn’t affect you,” or “should get to you,” but when you have underlying trauma, they certainly do. Painting had been my entire life for so long, and now it was gone. It no longer brought me any joy, and I experienced crippling anxiety trying to even do little things.
So, why am I telling you this?
Because I am trying to show you that it’s OKAY to not know what you want to do right away, and to take your time to get there. It’s also okay to have multiple interests, not have tunnel vision, and not be hyper focused on one thing or one goal.
Not knowing what you want to do is okay. Not being able to do what you want to do right away, or full time or all of the time is perfectly okay. It doesn’t make you any less of an artist.
In a recent podcast interview, an old friend of mine, Joe Spieldenner said, ”the long way around prepares you,” and I could not agree more. Things happen when they’re meant to, and it’s so important to take your time and cultivate your craft. Your art is better the longer you spend on it. It’s why Tori Amos is a better artist and musician than many of her peers of the same era; she spent decades playing in every grimy bar night after night to perfect her musicianship and stage presence, and didn’t have her record breakthrough until she was 28. Her first major hit was “Cornflake Girl,” which didn’t come out until she was 30. Agnes Obel released her first record at 30. The first My Brightest Diamond record was released when Shara was 32. Debbie Harry didn’t have a true mainstream hit until she was 34. Allison Goldfrapp was also 34 when Goldfrapp released their first record. Vashti Bunyan released Just Another Diamond Day at age 25 and it wasn’t a hit record until decades later. John Mahoney didn’t start acting until he was in his 40’s. Allie X didn’t release music in a serious way, as ‘Allie X,’ until she was 30. Morgan Kibby was 30 when she released her first solo record as White Sea. To speak to what Joe was saying, these artists spent years preparing for and working up to these moments, and made better art because of it. They took the time to develop, or bloom, if you will (womp womp).
I didn’t start making demos until 2012. I didn’t release my first EP until I was 26 years old, in 2013, after my grandmother had passed away earlier that year--because I had to take care of my grandmother and my family, and not everything is about me. Even now, I am not as far along as maybe I could be, because my relationships with my friends and family are more important than my ego. Watching my niece and nephew and little cousins and godsons grow up is more important to me than my ego, rather than pursuing bigger projects in larger markets. I’ve chosen to be there for the seminal moments--the births, deaths, birthdays, baptisms, first steps. That is my personal priority, and I am not shaming anyone for making different choices.
I am content with and proud of my accomplishments, although do I wish music made just a little bit more money (I need to buy my niece a pony, okay? Much to my brother-in-law’s chagrin--sorry, Chris!). Making money off of music, even if you’re a bigger artist, is nigh impossible.
My accomplishments are nothing to sneeze at, either. Over the last 8 years, I have released, recorded and composed 4 full length records, numerous EPs, remixes, an operatic song cycle, a Catholic mass, film scores, and scores for off-Broadway shows, as well as produced and mixed for other artists. I run my own record label. 99% of what I do is self-taught, a lot of trial and error (a lot of error), and the bazillion “hours” that are required to master your skills. (I will never consider myself a master at anything, except maybe Pokémon, and even that’s pretty questionable.)
I am able to do all of these things because I finally have the income to do it. I have the computers, the keyboards, the harddrives, the plane tickets, the microphones, the vocal coaching--because, for the first time in my life, I can afford it. Last year, I got a royalty check for $1000 because one of my songs got licensed for something, and joined AGMA on a whim. I have an audition for a regional opera company in the Fall, for the first time.
I am glad I waited to do all of this. Not only would younger-me would have never, ever been able to make the time, or afford, to pursue these things, but any version of Melody before 2012 would have been making things that had a lot of noise, but nothing to say. I got there when I needed to get there, and you will, too.
Most importantly, I don’t want you to feel bad for waiting to the right moment. I know that if you wait for the ‘perfect’ moment, you’ll never do it. If you wait for the right moment, it will be the perfect moment, you just don’t know it at the time. As you mature and progress as an artist and as a person, what you create is better and better every time.
Late blooming is still blooming. Late Bloomer, you’re alright. You’re more than alright. You’ll come into your own at the exact time that you need to, and the whole world will be better for it.
BTW, thanks, Joe.
Some Further Reading/ Listening/ Viewing:
A Man Who's Bad or Good: The Complexities of CAROUSEL, Abuse, Trauma and Darling Mister Snow "Making It" or Not: Either way, It's a Wonderful Life
Sailin’ Wailin Podcast: Joseph Spieldenner
My Brightest Diamond: “Don’t Quit.”
Melody Nicolette does a lot of things. Some of them involve music. A lot of them involve yelling on the internet. You can follow her where ‘@’ is a thing @lebasfondmusic.